


The Greatest Sandwich I Ever Had

by WaiiKitsune



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: (Spoiler: He does and he loves his job), BAMF Pepper Potts, Gen, Happy doesn't get paid enough for this job, I realised there’s a lot of grinning involved, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Peter nearly dies laughing, Tony gets TRASHED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-13 18:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20178667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaiiKitsune/pseuds/WaiiKitsune
Summary: Based on thisTik-Tok.In which Happy fails at judging danger as a former bodyguard, Tony gets absolutelymurdered, Pepper wins the day, and Peter just loves his Sour Patch Kids cereal, thank you every much.





	The Greatest Sandwich I Ever Had

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kilala2tail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kilala2tail/gifts).

> For the sweet and lovely and terrible enabler kilala2tail, for her birthday.

“Go go _ gooooo_!! Drive!!” 

He had no idea what was happening or even what the threat was, but years of being the personal bodyguard of Tony Stark and then Head of Security for Starks Industries made Happy Hogan ram his foot into the accelerator and _ drive_. 

(In hindsight, given that they were at the New Avengers Facility, any possible form of attack was _ extremely _ low, but as a former bodyguard, Happy would stand behind his well-honed instincts and ingrained training every single time.

...No matter how much Tony would later laugh at him for being convinced that actual danger was involved.)

Happy was still watching the rearview mirror, barely two minutes into the drive, when the _ giggling _ started. “_Kid_,” Happy said calmly. “What the _ fuck_.”

The only response that got him the delve from small bubbly giggling to wild, _ full-blown laughter_. 

“Kid, I swear, I will turn this car around right nowー” 

“Oh my god Happy you won’t believe what just happenedー”

The laughter had broken into actual, breathless wheezing now, and Happy was still no closer to getting a coherent answer. _ ‘This is my life.’ _ Happy thought to himself, taking a moment to sigh deeply in his mind. _ ‘This is my actual life. Gone from protecting Tony Stark, to chauffeuring a kid who can’t even speak because he’s about to expire of laughter.’ _

“Do I need to call Tony?” 

(In _ more _ hindsight, given that _ Mr. Stark _ has (sometimes) become _ Tony _and, on one memorable occasion involving way too much sugar, _ Dad_, Happy should have known that calling Tony was no longer an effective threat. Unless the kid was actually sick, bleeding out, or anywhere in between, of course. _That’s _when the guilt and selflessness kicks in and becomes the likeliest chance of giving Tony an legitimate heart attack.)

Happy, now well-aware that there was no actual danger involved, eased his feet off the accelerator, slowing the car down to a leisure drive, and tried one last tactic.

“Miss Potts it is.” 

“No offense, Happy, but I’m pretty sure Miss Potts is on _ my _side.” 

The confident, almost _ smug _ tone made Happy pause. ...Then immediately understood what was going on.

“So,” Happy hummed. “What did Boss do this time?”

In the rearview mirror, Peter Parker broke out into the _ widest _grin. 

* * *

“So I was choosing my choice of cereal for the day, ‘cause you know, Mr. Stark has like, a _ bazillion _ types in his pantry—rich people, man—”

Happy politely declined pointing out _ whose _ food the kid was eating for breakfast. 

“—and to the right of me Mr. Stark and Miss Potts were having the best argument _ ever._”

Again, Happy decided against questioning how in the world an argument could be good, much less the _ ‘best argument ever’_. Then again, since they were talking about Tony Stark… Let's just say Happy just loves his job, _thank you_ _very much_. 

“Miss Potts is about… eight months pregnant now, right? And Mr. Stark was beside her, looking kinda annoyed when I peeked.” Peter paused here, thought briefly about something, then waved his hands in comical panic. “I wasn’t _ trying _ to eavesdrop, they were just right _ there _. Plus, y’know…” He made a vague gesture at his ears. "Spidey."

Happy waved a hand at him, motioning for Peter to continue. 

“And that’s when it happened!” Peter was grinning the most shit-eating grin again. In a pretty decent attempt at imitating Tony’s voice, Peter recited, _ “Why do you always have to be right, Pep? You think you’re so much smarter than me? Me? Tony Stark? Genius, billionaire, ex-playboy, philanthropist?” _

Happy nearly snorted. _Nearly_.

“And do you know what Miss Potts replied?” Peter asked rhetorically._“Well, Tony,” _Peter said, voice higher to imitate Pepper this time. _ “I have two brains and that’s better than your one!” _Peter’s grin was _splitting_ his face as he continued, “She said that while gesturing to her belly!” 

“That’s… Miss Potts for you.” Happy chuckled. 

“I know!” Peter agreed. “I also kinda… started clapping ‘cause that was _ so _ good! If Miss Potts had a mic, she should have dropped it and left, but uhh, they were kinda looking at me at that point.”

“And that’s how you ended up running to my car as though there was a serial killer right behind you?” Happy guessed. 

“Actually, I tried to make it look like I found the best cereal ever—which I did, by the way; Mr. Stark has Sour Patch Kids cereal in his pantry, can you believe that?!” 

There was something barbaric about a kid eating what was presumably smaller kids, but Happy wasn’t going to question that. 

“But I guess my dramatic crying of _ ‘They only use the best kids!’ _ wasn’t enough to move Mr. Stark’s cold, dead, skeptic heart and _ that’s _ when I ran.” Peter looked at Happy, pulling on his best and saddest puppy eyes and said in an equally tragic tone. “I missed breakfast. Can we stop at an iHop?”

* * *

**Irondad (10:08:11)** _: you’re disowned, you lil’ shit._

Peter _grins_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feat.  
Peter Parker as [Olly Ince](https://www.tiktok.com/@ollyince), the creator of the Tik-Tok in question  
Tony Stark as Jacob  
Pepper Potts as Emily  
and Happy Hogan as Viewer


End file.
